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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/8/2006 4:29:11 PM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
 
 
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yes ma'am Rosie...thanks again...my first post to the official thread is not some of the best I've got....but Ill do better!
"GROANERS"
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, it's not unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you,"says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they
name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells> her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/8/2006 4:57:03 PM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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You may not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually
either male or female.
Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see
right through them
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to
warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but
can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under their ass.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently
getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking
up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to
the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all,
and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would
be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just
keeps trying
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/9/2006 12:56:09 AM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if
you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns. -- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that - - Curt, age 7
(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing.
I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed
out. -- Theodore, age 8
(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like
a truck. -- Ricky, age 10
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/10/2006 8:57:02 AM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to
build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. I do
it all the time in my own personal rehab. It is so
easy, I thought I'd pass it on.
The article suggested doing it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you
have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. Potato
sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position
for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. Potato
sacks. Then 50lb. Potato sacks, and then eventually
try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. Potato sack
in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than
a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in
each of the sacks.
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/11/2006 9:38:22 AM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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Last in Line
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone
inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and
meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief
they have experienced.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be
gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another
snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is
halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are
only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again."
NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/12/2006 2:03:33 AM
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gmarosie
Posts: 24429
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
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Old Sux
Bring on the Twinkies!
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs .
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
_____________________________
C'est la vie
[IMG]http://i234.photobucket.com/albums/ee102/DivaRosie1/rosietags/rosiesglitterheartsSMALL.gif[/IMG]
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/13/2006 10:12:35 AM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she ha d been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again unt i l he was
positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the be t was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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