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RE: Official Jokes thread - 5/9/2009 5:56:10 PM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 163
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
 
 
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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled and said, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 5/14/2009 1:42:34 AM
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siri
Posts: 24
Joined: 3/12/2009
Status: offline
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Redneck Wins the Lottery:
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.
The Redneck said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."
Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!''
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 6/4/2009 1:41:04 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 163
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland ' Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special airplane.
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.
Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'
The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'
Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *ss from drowning!'
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 6/4/2009 1:42:17 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 163
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different..... You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 6/4/2009 1:46:56 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 163
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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How To Stop Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed
monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking
her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of HER
extra curricular activities , but feared her
enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she
accused Frank, a new member, of being an
alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
parked in front of the town's
only bar one after noon. .
She emphatically told Frank
(and several others)
that every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !
Frank , a man of few words,
stared at her for a moment and
just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..
Later that evening,
Frank quietly parked his pickup
in front of Mildred's house ...
walked home
... . .and left it there all night !!!
(You gotta love Frank !)
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 6/13/2009 9:01:54 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 163
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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Thou shall not lie!
GETTING A HAIR DRYER THROUGH CUSTOMS!
A distinguished young woman on a flight to Ireland asked the Priest beside
her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs
for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official
asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is,
to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father'
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 6/13/2009 9:11:55 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 163
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'
He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'
The farmer said, 'Yes ma'am' and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes, ma'am,' and broke down crying.
She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 8/25/2009 3:56:43 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 163
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"
He moved over and sat close to her.
"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight.
"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 8/25/2009 3:59:03 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 163
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my
wife one day and said, 'Honey, 40 years ago we had a cheap
apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a
10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with
a hot 25-year-old gal.
Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed
a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and
find a hot 25-year-old gal to sleep with, and she would make sure that I would
once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 8/25/2009 4:00:15 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 163
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when
they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying
attention to where I was going'.
The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm
getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and
she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says... 'Doesn't matter ---let's look for yours.'
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 8/25/2009 4:00:47 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 163
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!'
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 8/25/2009 4:01:31 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 163
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.
Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Jon says, "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.
The doctor asks Dan, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
Dan says, "I'd be half blind."
The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?"
"I'd be completely blind."
"Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor.
"Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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