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RE: Official Jokes thread - 2/19/2009 8:50:44 PM
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trek2039
Posts: 31357
Joined: 11/26/2002
From: Anywhere and Everywhere.......
Status: offline
 
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How to get out of a Speeding Ticket
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
_____________________________
Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance........
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 2/28/2009 11:47:08 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 159
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that d**n thing in me one more time , I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 3/11/2009 3:19:25 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 159
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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11 Handy Hints for Home Repairs:
As I see it.....
If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.
Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
If it's electronic, get a new one .... or consult a twelve-year-old.
Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.
Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
If something looks level, it is level.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 3/12/2009 4:23:24 PM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 159
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says,
"There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor,
then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,
but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 4/4/2009 9:59:48 PM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 159
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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9 WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an
argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed,
this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have
just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping
around the house.
(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the
storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments
that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is
a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she
thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the
meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most
dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she
wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay
for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not
question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause
here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE
sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome"
... that will bring on a "whatever").
(8)Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*#K YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another
dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a
man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later
result in a man asking "What's
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 4/7/2009 6:47:16 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 159
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference, "Medicine in my
country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it
into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!"
The German doctor stood up and said, "well medicine in my county is so
advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another
and have him looking for work on 4 weeks"
The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced,
we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and
have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!"
Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the
conference, "Well" he said "My country is so far advanced in medicine,
we can take an a**hole out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and
have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 4/13/2009 4:13:31 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 159
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 4/13/2009 4:25:02 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 159
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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A lonely guy...
decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted to buy an unusual animal. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me for a beer?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?”
But again there was no answer from his new pet. So he waited a few more minutes, thinking about the situation and he decided to ask him one more time. This time, he put his face up against the centipede’s little house he shouted, “HEY, IN THERE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK`S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?”
A little voice came out of the box, “I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! I`M PUTTING ON MY SHOES!”
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 4/15/2009 1:21:36 AM
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siri
Posts: 24
Joined: 3/12/2009
Status: offline
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Blonde Jokes!
1) An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
2) A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.
"235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 5/9/2009 3:23:36 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 159
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER ..
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... And this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her legs, Ethel......"
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 5/9/2009 5:07:34 PM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 159
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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Late one afternoon a Florida State trooper pulled a car over, southbound on
I-95, about 2 miles south of Fort Pierce, FL. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Lauderdale to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the
driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything
to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he couldjuggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit themand handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunken good-old-boy from Okeechobee got out, watched the performance, then
went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper
observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the
drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, 'You might as well
take my *ss to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that sobriety test.
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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