|
Users viewing this topic: none
|
|
Login  | |
|
Please join the DealCatcher Community or login to remove this ad.
RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/12/2009 12:31:35 AM
|
|
|
FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 163
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
 
 
|
Joys Of Living In New York
Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in New York . It is so beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is truly God's Country.
Oct. 14 -New York is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors.. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright.. I want to walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.
Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in New York. I hope it snows soon. I love it here!
Dec. 2 - It snowed last night.. I woke to the usual wonderful sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here!
Dec.. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!
Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!
Dec. 21 - More of that white * coming down. I've got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. *.
Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the SOB who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this *??
Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when that SOB "SnowplowHarry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??
Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the sh--head actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken six already this season.
Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house.. We went to the store to get some food and a damn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the *. It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.
Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of * into fireplace wood when I had the chance.
May 10 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn salt they dump on the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow *. 
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
|
|
|
RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/12/2009 3:39:07 PM
|
|
|
Gummyneo
Posts: 7266
Joined: 12/22/2002
From: DA STREETS BITCH!!!
Status: offline
|
Let me translate this to "Joys of living in Los Angeles"
quote:
ORIGINAL: FLLDYTRKR2
Joys Of Living In Los Angeles
Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Los Angeles. It is so beautiful here. The sun is shining, the weather is beautiful, and all you want to do is go outside and enjoy the beautiful days. This is truly God's Country.
Oct. 14 -Los Angeles is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth. The sun, the entertainment, the night life, the different types of culture. I want to walk through all of the major tourist spots and see so many different people hanging around, smiling, taking pictures. So many kids from so many different countries it's beautiful. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.
Nov. 11 - I saw some kids at the mall today playing arcade games. They are so smart, they can speak an extra language, spanish! I can't imagine why anyone would not want to have more kids. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Los Angeles.
Dec. 2 - It was a beautiful night last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight: everything covered in graffiti. The oak tree in front of my house is covered with toilet paper and gang tag signs. It looks like a POS. We went outside to clean the mess and bullets started flying in every direction. I went inside my house to grab my gun and started shooting at the gangs driving by. I won. The driver must have gotten too close to the driveway because I got him right in the leg. We had to go out and clean up the mess the gang members car left when the driver crashed into the neighbors house exposing a garden full of weed that was being secretly grown in the house. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here!
Dec.. 12 - More drive by shootings and graffitti everywhere.
Dec. 19 - More bullets, I'm getting exhausted of ducking and jumping behind everything to avoid the bullets.
Dec. 21 - More of that sh*t flying around. I've got blisters on my hands from shooting back at the drive by's and a kink in my back. I think that gang waits around the corner until I'm ready to get into my car in the driveway. *.
Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' bullets. If I ever get my hands on the SOB who drives that gang car, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more police officers on the roads to stop this *??
Dec. 28 - The gang violence hasn't stopped since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when that SOB "DrivebyPedro" comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried from bullet shells up to the windows. Police department says to expect another 10 inches of bullets. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??
Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the Cinco de Mayo! The gang car got stuck down the road and the sh--head actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow my car! I told him I'd broken six already this season.
Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house.. We went to the store to get some food and a damn drunk hispanic kid ran out in front of my car and I hit the *. It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The immigration office should have a longer season if you ask me.
Jan. 27 - Cooled down a little and rained today. The rain turned the trash on the street into a bloody mess and some **** head cut the oak tree in the front yard and it went through my roof. I should have cut that old piece of * into fireplace wood when I had the chance.
May 10 - Tried to drive to work today, but would you believe the whole underside of the car is missing because some @sshole stripped everything in the car! Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow *.
|
|
|
RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/13/2009 10:15:36 PM
|
|
|
trek2039
Posts: 31762
Joined: 11/26/2002
From: Anywhere and Everywhere.......
Status: offline
|
Ultra Dumb People
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
_____________________________
There ain't no rest for the wicked til we close our eyes for good........
|
|
|
RE: Official Jokes thread - 2/19/2009 8:40:54 PM
|
|
|
trek2039
Posts: 31762
Joined: 11/26/2002
From: Anywhere and Everywhere.......
Status: offline
|
Grocery Shopping
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."
_____________________________
There ain't no rest for the wicked til we close our eyes for good........
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts
|
|
Disclaimer: By providing links to other web sites, DealCatcher does not guarantee, approve or endorse the information or products available at these sites.
|
Printable Version
