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RE: Official Jokes thread - 5/13/2008 12:29:38 AM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
 
 
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A little boy and a little girl, both about eight years old, were playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the
little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift.
The little girl notices, and squeals with laughter.
'How'd you do that?" she asks.
"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."
"Can I try it," she ask.
"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."
She concentrates as she strains and grunts.
Suddenly, there's a huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20
feet, landing up against a tree.
He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where the little girl is. He finds her laying on the ground, out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.
Curiously, he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims,
"No wonder, dual exhaust."
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 6/14/2008 3:55:51 PM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like that little ****, Eric.
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 8/11/2008 1:00:33 PM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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To All The Mommies of 3 year olds
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A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall.
My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker.
He loves to communicate and does it quite well.
He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library,
the grocery store or at a drive-thru window.
People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old.
And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume.
It's always fully cranked.
There have been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning
of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice,
but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.
Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called,
so I took Cade with me into the restroom.
If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening,
this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:
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'Mommy, are you gonna go potty?
Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy?
Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now?
Mommy, what are you doing?
Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?'
At this point I started mentally counting how many women
had been in the bathroom when I walked in.
Several stalls were full ... 4? 5?
Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my
debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.
Cade continued, 'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you?
Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy!
Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty?
Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy!
Oh .. Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere.
Oh! I see dem.
Dat is a very good girl, Mommy.
You are gonna get some candy!'
I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me.
Where is a screaming new born when you need her?
Good grief!
This was really getting embarrassing.
I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting.
Trying to divert him, I said,
'Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy?
We'll both have some!'
'No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies.
Oh! Mommy!' He started to gag at this point.
'Uh oh, Mommy.
I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!!
Dat is so gross!!'
As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.
I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject.
I began to reason with myself: OK.
There are four other toilets.
If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those
who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.
'Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now?
I want you to be done going stinkies!
Get up! Get up!'
He grunted as he tried to pull me off.
Now I could hear full-blown laughter.
I bent down to count the feet outside my door.
'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy?
You wooking under da door?
What were you wooking at, Mommy?
You wooking at the wady's feet?'
More laughter. I stood inside t he locked door and tried to assess the situation.
'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now.
We have to go out now, Mommy.'
He started pounding on the door. 'Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands?
I want to go out!!'
I saw that my 'wait 'em out' plan was unraveling.
I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall,
twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall,
all smiling and starting to applaud.
My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought,
'Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away
every bit of my dignity and privacy?'
But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin
while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands,
I thought, I'd sign it all away again,
just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 8/11/2008 1:02:29 PM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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The Blind Bunny
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over
a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny.
'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my
fault.
I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming.
By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen
myself.
Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and
cuddly,
and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy
little nose.
You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of
animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to
examine him,
and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an
animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied,
'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...
You must be a POLITICIAN' 
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 9/8/2008 11:34:48 AM
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trek2039
Posts: 31762
Joined: 11/26/2002
From: Anywhere and Everywhere.......
Status: offline
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What is your brain worth?
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
'Why is the male brain so much more?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'
_____________________________
There ain't no rest for the wicked til we close our eyes for good........
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 10/8/2008 6:34:11 AM
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trek2039
Posts: 31762
Joined: 11/26/2002
From: Anywhere and Everywhere.......
Status: offline
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Marriage Quotes
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. -- Guitry
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. -- Catch-22
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
_____________________________
There ain't no rest for the wicked til we close our eyes for good........
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 10/9/2008 9:29:24 AM
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trek2039
Posts: 31762
Joined: 11/26/2002
From: Anywhere and Everywhere.......
Status: offline
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WHEN MICROSOFT STARTS BUILDING CARS
1. The stereo system will only be able to listen to Microsoft FM and play Microsoft cassettes.
2. Oil, gas, and temperature gauges replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
3. To turn on the air conditioner, you will have to shut down the car for two minutes and restart it.
4. Occasionally, your car will stop and fail to restart, and you'll have to reinstall the engine to get it going again.
5. When you call the service department, they will tell you it's not their fault and blame it on the company that made the tires.
6. Before the airbag deploys, it will ask "are you sure?"
7. To make right turns, you will have to upgrade to Microsoft SteeringWheel 2.0.
8. Apple will make a car that's faster, more reliable, and easier to drive, but it will only run on five percent of the roads.
9. If you can't afford to buy a new car, you can just borrow one from a friend and copy it.
10. If you are involved in a crash, you will have no idea why.
_____________________________
There ain't no rest for the wicked til we close our eyes for good........
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/30/2008 3:19:10 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 163
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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Never bring plants into the house
Garden Grass Snakes (also known as Garter Snakes)can be dangerous... Yes,grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why...
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the
family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed
in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from
shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the firetruck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected
the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
That's when she shot him.
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AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!? 
RE: Official Jokes thread - 
RE: Official Jokes thread -