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RE: Official Jokes thread - 11/6/2007 12:24:50 PM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
 
 
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ****s in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides 
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 11/6/2007 12:29:02 PM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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SOOOOOOOO CUTE....
God loves blondes!
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's
so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to
lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose
my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck .
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car.
My children are starving.
I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery
just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open...........
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket." 
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 11/17/2007 1:38:13 AM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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God and dirt
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't
need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life
out of Nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the
'beginning.'"
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well, "says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the
likeness Of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man.
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me. "
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no .." interrupts God, ( love this)
.... "Get your own dirt." 
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/24/2007 7:01:23 PM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/24/2007 7:14:27 PM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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Subject: Holiday Eating Tips ~
Holiday Eating Tips 
1. Avoid carrot sticks.
Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit.
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.
Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can.
And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.
You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?
It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something.
It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two.
It's later than you think. It's the Holidays!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it.
That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone.
Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk.
If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating.
The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free.
Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
like frosted cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge.
Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.
When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? 
Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.
I mean, come on, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry,
January is just around the corner.
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/24/2007 8:49:20 PM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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Who started Christmas?
There's a story of a woman who was Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and hearing her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves in the stores; she finally made it to the elevator area with her two kids.
She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year. Overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, getting that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, making sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.
Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all her purchases. When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and stated, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up and shot."
From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet calm voice respond, "Don't worry Ma'am, we already crucified him."
For the rest of the trip down, the elevator it was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.
Don't forget this year to keep the One who started this whole Christmas thing in your thoughts, words and deeds.
Keep Christ in Christmas!
If we did, just think of how different this world would be!
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 3/10/2008 12:56:49 PM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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Waxing
These are not my words, but how many women TORTURE themselves all in the name of beauty. What the female sex does to impress the opposite sex is just short of the torment many men received as prisoners of war.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the cat. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: The Bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to about 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah... right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply and brace myself... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!! OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breat h and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out... Must. Stay. Conscious. Must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe... OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
SEALED SHUT!!!! MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT! SEALED SHUT!!!!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub... in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented mysel f to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter...... "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located. "Are we talking cheeks, or hole, or hoo-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and… OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 3/11/2008 2:46:58 AM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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Subject: A Child's Book Report on the entire Bible...
The Entire Bible
o A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching??? Through the eyes of a child.
o Children's Bible in a Nutshell
o In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.
o He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
o Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
o One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was s kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
o After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
o Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
o Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
o After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
o After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
o After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say yes.
o During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
o Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
o Any way's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 4/10/2008 10:48:20 AM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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A Couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the
beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at
the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor
was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing;
she would approach people who were sitting on the
beach, glance around furtively,then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she
would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod
and there would be a quick exchange of money and
something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and
debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know
for sure, they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have
you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with
boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't -- and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and
our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can
find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife
was almost hopping up & down with anticipation when
she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at
the road.
"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more
than he should have.
"Well, what is it then? What does she do ?" his wife
fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery
salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes ..." he replied -
SCROLL DOWN
OOOOH - You're gonna dislike me for this - but I bet you forward it.
>
She sells C cells by the seashore
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 4/21/2008 5:40:26 PM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten SOB ," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 4/21/2008 5:48:30 PM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?"
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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