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RE: Official Jokes thread - 6/19/2007 2:07:31 PM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
 
 
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A man steps into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man,
about one foot high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano
, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny
piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts
playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the
bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the
bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a
gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is
only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he
says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is
soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon,
the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I
think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million
bucks, not a million ducks."
"No ****!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked
for a 12 inch pianist...  
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 6/28/2007 1:57:35 PM
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tiredinflorida
Posts: 228
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline
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I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
_____________________________
God Accepts Knee-Mail
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 7/8/2007 9:52:14 AM
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tiredinflorida
Posts: 228
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline
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Mailman's last day
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you." He said, "**** him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
_____________________________
God Accepts Knee-Mail
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 7/8/2007 9:53:50 AM
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tiredinflorida
Posts: 228
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline
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Brothel Arrest
A young woman was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, didn't want her grandmother to know. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young woman.
The police had the all the prostitutes line up in a straight line on the sidewalk, just as grandma was passing by. As soon as she noticed her granddaughter, she stopped and asked her what she was lining up for.
Not wanting her grandmother to know the truth, the granddaughter told grandma that someone was passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some.
"That sounds good. I think I'll have some too," Grandma said, as she made her way to the back of the line.
A policeman went down the line, questioning all the prostitutes, until he reached grandma. Looking very bewildered, he said to her, "You're so old, how do you do it?"
"It's easy," replied Grandma. "I just remove my dentures and suck them dry!"
_____________________________
God Accepts Knee-Mail
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 7/8/2007 9:59:50 AM
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tiredinflorida
Posts: 228
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline
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Betty Crocker
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more -- would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
_____________________________
God Accepts Knee-Mail
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 9/7/2007 12:12:27 AM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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 Sunday Morning Sex!
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and
slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along." 
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 9/7/2007 4:43:46 AM
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carlsen
Posts: 19
Joined: 7/30/2007
Status: offline
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What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 9/14/2007 2:36:52 PM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 9/14/2007 2:38:30 PM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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Way down in Louisiana , Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, 'Hey, Boudreaux! You just had you-self a son! Ain't dat grand!' Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on!
We ain't finished yet!'The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Boudreaux! You got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too.'
Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!'
When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of KY Jelly and we had to use dat dere tree-in-one Oil?' His wife said, 'Yeah, I do!' Boudreaux said, 'Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-Forty 
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 9/14/2007 2:40:54 PM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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This is too funny and so true - don't miss the last comment on grandchildren!!!
BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby : Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his allowance!
Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . . or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children, (The older the mother, the funnier this is!)
GRANDCHILDREN:
God's reward for allowing your children to live!
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 9/27/2007 12:41:15 AM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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THEY WALK AMONG US
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64
charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I
gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY
favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed
me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the
money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I
departed the store with the $46.64.
................They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already
buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She
handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
................They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of
them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky
and said, "Where?"
................They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the
sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the
north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and
has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up
with that stuff."
...............They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7
days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting
to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Eastern."
................They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through
a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
................They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
................They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went
to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has
your plane arrived yet?"
................They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he
would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some
time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm
hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
...............Yep, They Walk Among Us!
They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce,
and WORST OF ALL..................................they VOTE!?
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 9/27/2007 12:48:18 AM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
------------------------------ ---- -------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------< /B>
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 9/27/2007 3:41:51 PM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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DOGGED OUT
A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and,
clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns
the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing
out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at
the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog
just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind
of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my
Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 9/27/2007 3:42:55 PM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed.
That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this
popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that
resembles soap flakes (with or without bleach).
Cats, like their nemesis, the dog .... do get dirty and have a
variety of odours... from smelling like the outhouse where you
camped last year to the same odour as your dog's breath. (Remember
... your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats
HATE water.
And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of
a bath is out of the question, so, the best approach is both
sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can
be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.
Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total
lack of concern for you .... you have the advantage of size,
strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.
1. First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is
suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a
shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about
3.5 seconds.
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area
before hand. No ... blow drying the cat after the bath is not
suggested.
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you
still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically
in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or
prone in the tub.
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up,
nonchalantly, as if you were simply carrying him/her to the
supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your
strange attire...the cat barely notices you anyway.
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom .... speed is
essential. In one single liquid motion shut the door to the
bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and
drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state
of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of
him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45
seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and
add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has
worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.
7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his
body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If
possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body
now fully exposed.
8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub
vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down
the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the
water, rinsing himself in the process.
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The
cat will realise the lack of traction on the glass by then and
will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest
part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just
become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest
here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat,
reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your
leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this
view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much
better position for wrapping the towel around him.
12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub
enclosure. Open bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on
floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not
open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
13. In about 2 hours .... it will be safe to exit the bathroom.
Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a
small hedgehog while plotting revenge.
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 9/27/2007 3:44:58 PM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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