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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/18/2007 9:13:59 PM
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Judechao
Posts: 9
Joined: 1/16/2007
Status: offline
 
 
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated
from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath.
Nurse", she hears him mumble from behind the mask.
"Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask,a nd again she hears,
"Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about
his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds
his **** in one hand and his testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing
wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
I do like the way you think, but first, listen very, very
closely...
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
< Message edited by Judechao -- 1/18/2007 9:17:31 PM >
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/18/2007 9:18:12 PM
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Judechao
Posts: 9
Joined: 1/16/2007
Status: offline
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Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue? "The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year."
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life....just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say
123 for?"
And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/19/2007 10:09:01 AM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service
Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, ATF, etc.
Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service. Can't you see them now? These highly trained men and women in their black outfits with initials in large white letters across their backs?
F. A. T. A. S. S. - - - - - - - I feel safer already
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/21/2007 9:27:24 PM
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Judechao
Posts: 9
Joined: 1/16/2007
Status: offline
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A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?
His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.
The husband says, No, not at all.
His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/24/2007 1:55:34 AM
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Judechao
Posts: 9
Joined: 1/16/2007
Status: offline
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A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?
His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.
The husband says, No, not at all.
His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/24/2007 4:03:07 PM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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Lessons for Managers
Lesson 1:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
Gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The
nun Said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed
his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg
again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 2:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.
The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,
"I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on
the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.
Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the
tree.
Moral of the story: BullSh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.
Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the
frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm
he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm
and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate... Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends the 3-minute management course.
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/26/2007 7:59:30 PM
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smithbad05
Posts: 408
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline
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Hubby and I have over 70 reptiles so this was very funny to us.
LIZARD BIRTHING
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious
dad, can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed
him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on
his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, " come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
she inquired.(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in
my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going
on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a
litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I
really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's
breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I
tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with
the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he
urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me
is one thing,but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may
I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in
labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.
You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um....um.... mas******. Just
the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that
the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...
that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly
bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad
everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he
told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea,"
Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
1 - Lizards - $140...
2 - Cage - $50...
3 - Trip to the Vet - $30...
4 - Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....
Priceless
Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs .
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/27/2007 2:54:12 PM
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gmarosie
Posts: 24430
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
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Good to be Old
At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely
25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that
after their wedding she and Wally should have separate
bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but
aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the
entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares
herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there
is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of
his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on
her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready
for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more
coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses
his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed
it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is
as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".
And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride
says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your
age you can perform so well and so often. I have been
with guys less than a third of your age who were only
good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and
says: "You mean I was here already?"
The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting
old, senior moments have advantages.
_____________________________
C'est la vie
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Official Jokes thread - 1/28/2007 12:50:28 AM
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ZESTY
Posts: 880
Joined: 11/16/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
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The average person only gets 7 correct!
This is based on U.S. info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most of us really see!
There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think ..
Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting out of your chair! No using anything on or in your desk or computer!
Can you beat 23?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers as you go. Check answers (on the bottom), AFTER completing all the questions.
REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! BE HONEST!!! That means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk...
Then, before you pass this on to your friends, change the number on the subject line to show how many you got correct. Forward to your friends and also back to the one who sent it to you..
LET'S SEE JUST HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE.
Here We Go!
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg? (Don't you dare get up to see!)
7. How many matches are in a standard pack?
8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?
14.. Which way do fans rotate?
15 How many sides does a stop sign have?
16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?
SCROLL FOR ANSWERS
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ANSWERS
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? BOTTOM
2. How many states are there in the USA (Don't laugh, some people don't know)? 50
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? RIGHT
4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label? BLUE, RED, WHITE, YELLOW, BLACK & GOLD
5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them? 1, 0
6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg? RIGHT
7. How many matches are in a standard pack? 20
8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white? RED
9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 88
10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise? CLOCKWISE (NORTH OF THE EQUATOR)
11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run? TOWARDS BOTTOM RIGHT
12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 12 (no # 1)
13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons? LEFT
14. Which way do fans rotate? CLOCKWISE AS YOU LOOK AT IT
15. How many sides does a stop sign have? 8
16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side? LEFT
17. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 5
18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 6
19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing? BASHFUL
20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package? 8
21. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? ACE OF SPADES
22. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats? LEFT
23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits? *, #
24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 3
25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? COUNTER
< Message edited by Kegger22 -- 2/5/2007 10:11:50 PM >
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 2/13/2007 10:21:15 AM
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dejevu
Posts: 3721
Joined: 1/13/2005
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline
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THEY WALK AMONG US
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich.
I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free".
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door. They walk among
us and many work retail.
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A friend of mine bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the f ridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. My friend decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it. They walk among us.
--------
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, Where?" They Walk among us!
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.
They Walk Among Us!!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." They Walk Among Us!
====================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving." They Walk Among Us!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. They Walk Among Us!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. They Walk Among Us!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"
I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. They Walk Among Us!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
They Walk Among Us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. J ust cu t it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces." Yep, They Walk Among Us!
====================
They walk among us, AND they reproduce!
_____________________________
"Where ever you go.......there you are."
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 2/13/2007 10:24:11 AM
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dejevu
Posts: 3721
Joined: 1/13/2005
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline
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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags
with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once
in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out
of that bag..." "Oh no!" says the little old lady..."I'd better go back and see
if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did
you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of Lincoln Financial Field . Each time there's an EAGLES football
game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time
someone sticks his little dickie doo through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it
comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in
the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady,,,"Some guys think I'm bluffing!"
_____________________________
"Where ever you go.......there you are."
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 2/18/2007 10:06:25 PM
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dejevu
Posts: 3721
Joined: 1/13/2005
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline
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Mr. And Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton INSISTS that he go
with her to Walmart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He
prefers to get In and get OUT, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.
Here's a letter sent to her from the store.
Dear Mrs. Fenton:
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores.
We
have documented ALL incidents on our video
surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3' in housewares
...
And watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
bedding department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him , he begins to cry and asks, "hy can't you people just leave me alone?'"
9.Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last . .. . but not least . . .
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!!"
_____________________________
"Where ever you go.......there you are."
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 3/6/2007 11:51:38 AM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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Just minutes before the church services started the towns people
were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.
Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even
tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?"
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 4/27/2007 12:43:29 PM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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the Grasshopper OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
************************************************************
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed
while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a
table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How
can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is
allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody> cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where
the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse
then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.>
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that
the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call
for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for
failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing
left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the
government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of
federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent
welfare recipients. >
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of
the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens
to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't
maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a
drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a
gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 4/27/2007 3:33:14 PM
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kabcrisp
Posts: 4
Joined: 4/20/2007
Status: offline
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A SPECIAL PIG
A man was driving down a country road when he came to a farm. It was a pretty average farm - house, barn, animals - except for the fact that there was a pig with a peg leg strolling around the yard. The man's curiosity got the better of him so he stopped his car and went up to the house. He knocked on the door and when the farmer answered, he explained that he didn't mean to intrude, but he was wondering how in the world a pig would get a peg leg.
The farmer explained, "Well, one night last year everyone in the house was asleep. In the dead of night, that pig just started going wild out in the barn - squealing, oinking - and he woke the whole house up. We woke up to find our house on fire. Luckily, we all made it out in time. That pig saved my family."
The man said, "That's amazing! That is really a remarkable pig. But that still doesn't explain how he got the peg leg."
The farmer continued, "Well, after saving our family, we let the pig stay in the house at night. One night, just a few months ago, that pig started making a huge racket in my little daughter's room. We rushed in to find my daughter not breathing. Luckily, we got there in time and she's fine now. But if it weren't for that pig, we could have lost our dear daughter."
The man exclaimed, "That is the most incredible story! That pig is amazing. But still, how did he get the peg leg?"
"Well," said the farmer, "a pig that good - you can't eat him all at once."
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 5/30/2007 11:11:47 PM
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FLLDYTRKR
Posts: 186
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline
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Enjoy
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One
day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of
his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't
happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the
woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my
congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and
grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their
balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few
moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt
hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of
that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord nodded and said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might
as well finish.  
_____________________________
Hammer down...........Flatbedders do it with chains and straps.........
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity !!!
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 6/19/2007 12:45:16 PM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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Disorder In The Court...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....I was getting laid!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
________________________________________________
--- And the best for last---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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