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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/14/2006 11:32:36 PM
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rayne
Posts: 529
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline
 
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Real quotes found on bathroom walls:
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University,
Durham, NC
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
Remember, it's not,"How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her sh!t.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war - Hell, do both... GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York, New York.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's restroom
House of Representatives, Washington, DC
Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ
You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
_____________________________
"The first month of marriage is the honeymoon, the second is the absinthe-moon."
- Voltaire
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/18/2006 10:42:11 AM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/19/2006 2:08:48 AM
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gmarosie
Posts: 24430
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
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No Sex Since 1955
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
> local
> liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
> idealistic
> ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for
> conversation.
> "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
> something bothering you?"
> "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
> "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
> like you have seen a lot of action."
> "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
> The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
> know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
> The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
> Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
> wrong
> way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
> "1955, ma'am."
> "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
> everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand
> and
> led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several
> times.
>
> Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
> said,
> "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
> The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
> voice,
> "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
> (Don't ya love military time?!)
_____________________________
C'est la vie
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/19/2006 2:14:50 AM
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gmarosie
Posts: 24430
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
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>Zen and the Wisdom of Life
( read while in a solemn mood)
>
>
>
>1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
>
>Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
>
>Do not walk beside me either.
>
>Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
>
>
>2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're
>going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
>
>
>3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless
>you aren't getting any.
>
>
>4. No one is listening until you fart.
>
>
>5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
>missing a couple of car payments.
>
>
>6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
>mile in their Shoes. That way, when you criticize
>them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
>
>
>7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
>not for you.
>
>
>8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.
>Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a
>boat and drink beer all day.
>
>
>9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that
>person again, it was worth it.
>
>
>10. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first
>time.
>
>
>11.
>A Good judgment comes from bad experience,
>and a lot of bad experience comes from bad judgment.
>
>
>12. There are two theories about arguing with
>women. Neither one works.
>
>
>13. Experience is something you don't get until
>just after you need it.
>
>
>14. Never, under any circumstances, take a
>sleeping pill and a laxative on the same
>night !!!
_____________________________
C'est la vie
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/19/2006 2:43:54 AM
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gmarosie
Posts: 24430
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
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hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
A young man married a beautiful woman who had
> previously divorced ten
> husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new
> husband, "Please be
> gentle; I'm still a virgin."
>
> "What?" said the puzzled groom."How can that be if
> you've been married ten
> times?"
>
>
> "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he
> kept telling me how great
> it was going to be."
>
> "Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never
> really sure how it was
> supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it
> and get back to me."
>
> "Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said
> everything checked out
> diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system
> up."
>
> "Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he
> knew he had the order, he
> didn't know when he would be able to deliver."< BR>>
> "Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic
> process but wanted
> three years to research, implement, and design a new
> state-of-the-art
> method."
>
> "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he
> knew how, but he wasn't
> sure whether it was his job or not."
>
> "Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a
> product, he was never sure
> how to position it."
>
> "Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was
> talk about it."
>
> "Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was
> look."
>
> "Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did
> was.... God, I miss
> him!"
>
> "But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
>
>
>
> "Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"
>
>
>
> "You're with the Government.... This time I KNOW
> I'm gonna get screwed."
_____________________________
C'est la vie
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/22/2006 1:18:06 AM
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gmarosie
Posts: 24430
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
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Nine Months Later......"
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.
"I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... Now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)
_____________________________
C'est la vie
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/27/2006 1:30:33 PM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and
was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career
where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and
became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college ;what
was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently
and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the
gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with
tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he
had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the
instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an
outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine
apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the
engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the
mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because
you did all of it through the muffler."
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/27/2006 2:47:21 PM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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Too much hunting?
TOO MUCH HUNTING
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 12/29/2006 6:15:07 PM
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gmarosie
Posts: 24430
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
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WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drank 1 liter of
>water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1
>kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are
>consuming 2 lbs. of POOP each year !
>
>However, we don't run that risk when drinking wine, rum, whiskey, vodka,
>beer or other liquors, because alcohol has to go through a distillation
>process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
>
>WATER = POOP
>
>BOOZE = HEALTH
>
>Free yourself of POOP, drink BOOZE !!!
>
>It's better to drink booze and feel like **** than drink water and be
>full of ****.
>
>There's no need to thank me for this valuable information, I'm doing it
>as a public service
_____________________________
C'est la vie
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/1/2007 2:15:51 AM
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gmarosie
Posts: 24430
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
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the wisdom of children..... 
>>JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast- feeding his new baby sister.
>>After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one
>>for cold milk?"
>>
>>
>>MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was
>>so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember
>>you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
>>
>>STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much,
>>that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
>>
>>
>>BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain
>>to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained
>>it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
>>wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
>>
>>
>>SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't
>>give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
>>
>>
>>D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I
>>cost?
>>
>>
>>MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing
>>in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why
>>is he whispering in her mouth?"
>>
>>
>>CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
>>what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this
>>bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
>>
>>
>>JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named
>>Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
>>looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What happened
>>to the flea?"
>>
>>
>>TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
>>wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
>>asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
>>
>>
>>The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.. this particular Sunday
>>sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward
>>heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but
>>dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
>>daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in
>>her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
>>
>>
>>The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed!
_____________________________
C'est la vie
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/2/2007 9:49:08 PM
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dejevu
Posts: 3721
Joined: 1/13/2005
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline
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A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate
one day, so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk,
takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands
them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats
exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and
backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her
yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard
pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
_____________________________
"Where ever you go.......there you are."
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/2/2007 9:52:10 PM
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dejevu
Posts: 3721
Joined: 1/13/2005
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline
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Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He
spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a
big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got
two choices ... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter
alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered
and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said,
"That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two
choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank
thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally
recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down
the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap
on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear
looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank; you don't come here
for the hunting, do you?"
_____________________________
"Where ever you go.......there you are."
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/3/2007 2:12:56 PM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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MAKING LOVE IN THE PARK.....
Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in
the shadows. "Twenty dollars . ."she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he
decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it"
for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on
them . it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know"
"Well," Ole says, "neither did I, until you shined
that light in her face".
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/3/2007 2:13:34 PM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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A guy is driving around and sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale".
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?" the guy asks.
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when was pretty young and I wanted to help the government so I told the CIA about my gift and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because
no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. Finally got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
Owner says, "Ten bucks."
"Ten bucks?" the guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
Owner replies, "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that sh*t."
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/4/2007 4:03:23 PM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade....."
 Attachment (1)
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/5/2007 1:40:23 PM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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Bathroom Moment I laughed so hard when I read this. For the men who receive this please be understanding when the women you are with come out of the restroom and they are not smiling.
My mother was a fanatic about public restrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, show me how to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.
That was a long time ago. Now, in my "mature" years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain. When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topples backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up.
You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your ands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely at them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
.... . .This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other female can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/17/2007 2:09:48 PM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/18/2007 9:34:01 AM
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PammyLeigh
Posts: 228
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: displaced
Status: offline
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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
< Message edited by PammyLeigh -- 1/19/2007 10:03:27 AM >
_____________________________
"But why is all the rum gone?"
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 1/18/2007 5:09:47 PM
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Kegger22
Posts: 22460
Joined: 11/26/2002
Status: offline
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Butch the Rooster
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten
roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen
he was, too.
But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't
rung at all!
John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The
pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer
John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd
sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair
and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...
The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they
also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a
politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two
of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at
sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't
paying attention?
_____________________________
quote:
ORIGINAL: Gummyneo
I'm an old foggie.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 
