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RE: Official Jokes thread - 9/11/2009 5:03:23 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 144
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
 
 
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Moving to Mexico
I can't stand it anymore, so I'm moving if Obama can pull some strings for me. Hope they have some nice golf courses in Mexico .
Dear Mr. President:
I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me.
We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. Into Mexico , and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.
We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way down?
Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.
4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services and be able to vote.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico , but, I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. Flag from my house top, put U S. Flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say a critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.
16. I'll need Income tax credits so although I don't pay Mexican Taxes, I'll receive money from the government.
17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov't pays $ 4,500 to help me buy a new car.
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.
I know this is an easy request because we already do all these things for all his people who come to the U.S. From Mexico .
I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
Thank you so much for your kind help. You're the man!!!
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 10/3/2009 11:35:38 AM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 144
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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A missionary suddenly realized that the one thing he hadn't yet taught the natives he served was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. "How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands. "My bike," the chief replied.
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 10/27/2009 5:39:28 PM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 144
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of the factory.
Walking through the warehouse he noticed a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate.
The factory owner angrily said, "Just how much are you being paid?"
The young man replied, "Two hundred dollars a week." The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off ten $20 bills and shouted at the young man: "Here is a week's pay--now get out and don't come back!"
Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and left.
The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement.
"Tell me," the boss asked him, "How long has that guy worked for us?"
"He doesn't work here," replied the warehouse manager, "He was just the Pizza guy waiting for George to find two more dollars for his lunch order."
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 10/27/2009 6:15:25 PM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 144
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to his most skeptical friend, inviting him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by; they fired, and a duck fell.
The dog responded. It did not sink, but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter finally broke the silence, asking, “Well, what do you think of my new dog?”
The other guy was quiet for a moment, then said, “Can’t swim, huh
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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RE: Official Jokes thread - 10/27/2009 6:18:46 PM
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FLLDYTRKR2
Posts: 144
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline
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A man was driving through west Texas one evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and the engine died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice: "It's your fuel pump."
"Who said that?" the man called out.
There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flash light, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
"Yes, it was!" the man said, finally happy someone understood. "Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know nothin' about cars."
_____________________________
Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.
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